How Stupid I Was

How stupid I was…

to be kind to people who had proven they didn’t deserve it, time and time again

in the hopes that someday they would return my kindness,

sincerely

and not in a backhanded way

just waiting for a moment to hurt and humiliate me

once again.

I don’t do that any more.

I choose fairness, I choose love, I choose second (sometimes even third) chances

to all.

And then that’s it.

No hatred, just awareness

and the continuing on with life

welcoming the kind

and providing friendship that I know will be returned.

How stupid I was…

to think that my size, my weight defined my beauty,

my worth.

“I have a six-pack after seven kids—and my last one was born less than a year ago!”

Who cares?

Are you healthy?

Do you enjoy life?

Do you enjoy your husband and children?

Do they enjoy you?

Fifteen (cough cough this is such bullshit) “extra” pounds later,

tipping the scales (bullshit) at 5’6 and GASP! 150 lbs,

sporting a size 10 or M instead of the 4-6, XS-S…

I am happy.

I am healthy.

I run because I love it.

I walk with my friends, laugh, savour the day.

Savour life.

I eat.

I eat I eat I eat I eat.

I love to eat.

I will always eat what I love to eat.

I am aware that food is fuel, and healthy food can be enjoyed

PASSIONATELY.

I will not count grams and calories and macros and god knows what else.

I will eat real food. Whole food.

I will feed my family.

I will eat.

How stupid I was…

to need to be Someone (artist. writer. acquire letters at the end of my name.)

when I always have been

and always will be.

I am Me.

I am Jo

or Jodi

—or Jodi Samantha if you’re my Mom

and I have once again said something out loud

that everyone was thinking…

(heheheh)

I am have walked the earth

(some parts of it)

I have experienced

I have loved

I have birthed

I have created

I have nurtured

I have experienced.

I continue to do so.

Every day.

Every day.

I AM Someone…

How stupid I was…

to think his love was based on how well I cleaned

how tough I was

how pretty (and thin) I could be.

He loves me more

when I am real.

When I am raw.

When I am authentic.

When I am soft. Resilient, yet soft.

And ironically, with the curves I fought so desperately to keep off of my body for so long.

How stupid I was…

To not know what I had

in myself

in my life

in my surroundings.

I have everything.

I am blessed.

I am aware.

I am awakened…

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5 thoughts on “How Stupid I Was

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